Thank you “Faking Picture Perfect” for inspiring the title of my next blog post.
I’ve not wholly decided on the direction I’m going to take this blog yet. But the internal pressure as usual is to conform to social expectations of keeping it positive and upbeat. I also feel this way due to my choice in vocation, we would expect from a doula- positivity etc.. But then again that would not be true to myself because I’m only human, I feel all emotions and just because you choose a positive vocation doesn’t make you become exempt from feelings of negativity.
The honest truth is I’m feeling pretty crap at the moment. And when you feel like crap you end up having all sorts of other warpy thoughts that evolve around guilt, hopelessness, loss of self-worth. This frame of mind leads you to feeling stuck- I don’t feel like doing anything productive, I’m tired, irritable, grumpy, I struggle to find the joy in things, the things I do, feel like a massive effort and my brain is full of fuzz, I piss everybody off and they piss me off, it’s a vicious cycle.
My husband’s view is to just stop being so negative. Like it’s just as simple as that. To stop. Which is funny because what he expects of me, he can’t do either! I know it’s me in part that’s dragging him down, but then it’s this lifestyle of his, the sacrifices I’ve made to support his career, the things I’ve left behind and still mourn and yearn for, the new way of life I’m still struggling to adapt to in addition to coming to terms with a traumatic event that occurred in 2011/12, and the extreme financial upheaval we’ve struggled with for the last few years.. I get overwhelmed and so does he. But I wish he would see that it is ok to be that way. When he’s being a knob I do my upmost to give him space (I’m not saying I’m always successful at this mind, but I do try) and not be constantly on his case because I know he feels like shit enough without me pointing out the obvious, if only he would do the same and give me the space I crave to get this out of my system in order to move on from it again. Unfortunately at the moment he’s just feeding my negativity. He’s gone away for a few days, and to be honest I’m glad, which is pretty sad really and I don’t doubt that he feels the same.
At the moment I’m feeling overwhelmed by life because of money issues mostly. I know it’s not the end all and be all in life, but not having any certainly makes life more stressful and restrictive. It’s the summer holidays. I mong on Facebook and everyone seems to be having a good time except me. All I want is to take my kids somewhere a bit more exciting than the park, it’s not much to ask?? We live in a village, we’re skint and the car is unreliable which leaves me limited in things I can do. The kids are constantly harassing me for food, complaining they’re bored and tidying the house is like sitting in a rocking chair.. constantly moving but going nowhere, so my anxiety levels are high from the mess. I’ve got no one to talk to and I don’t feel like contacting anyone and it feels like they don’t contact me.
In my mind, I have tried. I’ve been fighting these feelings for the last 6 months, trying to move forward and remain positive. But each effort has been met with another obstacle. Why can’t things be simple? The answer to that, because nothing is perfect, and if it was, we’d just take everything for granted. I don’t take things for granted and that is something to be grateful for.
I’ve come to the conclusion that the negativity I’m feeling at the moment is just a human reaction to the latest obstacles. I’m knackered and I’m done in, but I’m not defeated. I’m not stuck, I’m just resting. In order to be positive we need to purge the negativity to make room for the positivity. The more we try or others try to suppress this in us, the longer and harder it is to allow the positivity back in.
Ahhh.. feeling better already for getting that out of my system, now I wonder if I can achieve some productivity today?
Don’t judge me, I was born to be true, not perfect.